III. Beyond The Power Struggle: The Transformation Stage

Beyond the power struggle and the relationship problems that you may be facing today, starts the real work on your relationship.

Unlike the vast majority of couples that had given up or chosen to live a turned-off life, you realize that you have the power to make real changes.

You already know it: in any relationship, the passion of the initial infatuation stage diminishes sooner or later. Once that happens, you start looking at each other's weaknesses and faults with a magnifying glass, and you start experiencing common relationship problems, just like any other couple. You start to yell, to fight, to prove you are right; the power struggle has begun.

So where do you go from here?

Well, if you are part of the small minority of people truly committed to your relationship and wanting to keep your partner, you must understand that the power struggle stage is nothing more than "healing and growth waiting to happen".

Sometimes - clueless about a better way or simply unwilling to change - you can spend most of your life as a couple struggling, fighting, numbed or in denial until you decide to go beyond the power struggle and do the inner work required. And that's only if you still care.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
(Anais Nin)

Looking Beyond the Power Struggle Stage

While still hurt, confused, or afraid, you and your partner decide to re-define the loving relationship you once dreamed of and your specific roles in it.

Although resisting at times, as conscious partners you now choose to take charge, become educated and increase your self-awareness first.

To do this you have to learn about the subconscious healing agenda of attracting your soulmate and do a lot of soul searching. You must recognize your shortcomings, own your past wounds, and take responsibility for your destructive behaviors. You have to make the necessary changes, refine and continue the journey.

Beyond The Power Struggle

Beyond the power struggle, in the transformation stage you understand that avoiding conflict is not an option any longer, as it makes you angry and resentful, shuts you down, and breaks the trust.

You realize that guilt trips, justifications, blame, criticism, sarcasm, and violent behaviors deeply damage your relationship, brake your partner's heart and destroy her respect.

As hard as it may be, you must stop wasting time on useless distractions (TV, games, shopping, pointless activities) and start spending time with YOURSELF.

Walk, run, or sit in quiet meditation; let go of your mind and enter your heart - the answers you are looking for are here.

It is time to find yourself again: your needs, your wants, your passions and your dreams. Write them down. Keep refining and upgrading the old ones until you feel ignited again!

Little by little, you start seeing your partner with new eyes: she is your best friend and you are both in this together.

Beyond the power struggle, in the third stage of transformation and growth both of you must learn new skills and practice new attitudes: expressing your dreams and hopes, negotiating your needs, compromising your wants.

You learn to become empathetic, reassuring, and supportive so that the other can feel understood and emotionally safe to open up again. You stretch into new behaviors that provide the healing (and growth) that your partner needs.

This is where you start to integrate your personal development.

Beyond the power struggle the war is over, the differences are acknowledged, the conflicts are dealt with constructively. You share your responsibilities, resolve the issues, and compromise as needed - as long as you remain in integrity.

Needs and habits must be negotiated through a commonsense dialogue for the mutual satisfaction if the connection, trust, respect, and intimacy are to be re-established.

No, it's not always going to be easy... you'll both have to stretch, grow, compromise, reconsider and yes, make amends.

You will not be right all the time, but you'll surely be happier more often.

Meaningful conversations, fun and laughter will be back; intimacy and good sex are soon going to follow. Once that happens, you are on your way to a mature, vibrant and blissful relationship.

They say that love hurts. Love actually heals. So, go ahead and begin painting an exciting vision of your relationship with the woman of your life; then make sure you work every day to make it happen.

And if ultimately it doesn't work, it is NOT all lost! What you become during this transformation stage of your relationship will actually deeply enrich your experience in all areas of your life.

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"Your woman will test you. This will never end. This is the secret. You will never get out of it. Finding a different woman won’t get you out of it. Neither will therapy, money or sexual mastery."

David Deida


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